Thoughts

I can not tell you the number of people that have been asking me "when's the next one coming"?  It really frustrates me when this question comes up.  I don't know why people feel the need to ask it.  What if the person you are asking is struggling to get pregnant?  Or what if their marriage is falling apart?  You never know a person's personal circumstances and so I'm always troubled when people ask me this question.

Now I am not struggling to get pregnant nor is my marriage falling apart but I do have a fear of being pregnant again.  Let me re-phrase that.  I have a fear of delivering a baby again. I have a text book pregnancy.  I LOVE being pregnant.  I would be 9 months pregnant the rest of my life if it meant I didn't have to deliver.  Now I have friends (many of them) who have way worse deliveries than I do and who have health problems during their pregnancy.  I was in labor with Emma for 22 or 23 hours (the details are kind of fuzzy now).  During that time I had to be put on antibiotics because I developed a high fever.  After all that time going through labor my wort nightmare happened.  I had to have a c-section.  Emma was stuck in my pelvis.  I absolutely did not want a c-section.  I would've rather died than had one (which would've happened if I hadn't given in).  When the doctor came in to prep me for the c-section and gave me the epidural increase I SWEAR he had taken off with my feet.  I was screaming and trying to get out of the bed to go after him (and apparently according to Jacob I almost succeeded in getting out of the bed).  I could not feel anything from my chest down and I hated it.  I kept having Jacob touch my feet and show me my feet and even though I could see that my feet were still intact I did not believe it.  I continued to hyperventilate all the way down the hall and into the operating room.  I was out of control.  I couldn't tell if I was breathing or not.  I could see my chest rise and fall but since I couldn't feel from my chest down I was freaking out that I wasn't breathing.  It's find of funny to look back now when I think about this because of course I was breathing but at the time I was afraid I was going to die.  Finally one of the nurses made eye contact with me after they had strapped me down to the operating table and said "Jennifer, you need to calm down".  After that I snapped out of it and lay still for the rest of the operation.  Scariest moment of my life to that point.

Fast forward to my second pregnancy.  I was determined to have a VBAC.  I did not want to go through that hell again.  I hated the recovery time for the c-section.  And I was afraid that even though this time around they would schedule the c-section I would still think the doctor stole my feet when the epidural hit me.  I went in to be induced with Linnea and had the doctors coming in every half hour and reading me the risks of the VBAC and asking me if I wanted to continue.  I'm a very stubborn person and despite the risks (which to me weren't good enough) decided to continue on.  I had a text book labor.  The delivery went smoothly.  I only pushed for half an hour and my baby was in my arms.  A couple hours later I called the nurse because I thought I needed to pee.  The nurse came in and told me I shouldn't need to but I insisted that I had pressure in that area so she helped me out of bed.  On the way to the bathroom I passed 5 clots the size of a large grapefruit. I passed 2 more in the toilet.  I was hemorrhaging and I was fading fast.  I still remember the feeling of knowing I was going to pass out and trying to prevent it.  Thank goodness the nurse that was holding me up kept talking to me and making me look her in the eye.  I ended up not passing out after all.  There were at least 10 nurses in my room when I went back to my bed.  The doctor came in and told me he needed to check my c-section scar to make sure it hadn't ruptured.  I thought he meant from the outside of my body.  Oh no.  He meant from the inside.  He proceeded to shove his hand up there and feel around to make sure everything was alright. I tried so hard not to cry or make a big fuss.  The doctor kept apologizing to me and I kept repeating over and over out loud "It's okay.  It's going to be okay".  Thank goodness nothing was wrong up there. 

Which brings me to this point in my life.  No I am not pregnant but I would love to have another baby.  I'm sure that in the near future we will be trying for another one because it's time.  But that doesn't take away the fear I have of delivering a baby.  Do I try again for a VBAC or have a scheduled c-section?  If I go with the VBAC option then I risk having an Emma incident over again.  I also risk hemorrhaging again.