Reflecting

I've been doing a lot of thinking these past few weeks just about stuff. Mostly about the person I was 7 years ago when I graduated high school compared to the person I am today. I came to the conclusion that I am glad I'm out of the awkward teenage/high school years. That time in my life was one I will gladly not repeat. I was fighting to gain a testimony of the gospel, fighting to figure out exactly who I was and what my values were. Struggling with my self confidence. I valued others perceptions of me. I wanted to be popular and not be the "nerd". I was boy crazy and was dealing with some of the problems that come with being boy crazy. I was selfish, rude, untrusted by my parents and on the inside torn.

My dad was the bishop and so I had a lot of people watching me. Waiting for me to do something wrong or stupid (to which I gave plenty of material). I was a crappy example of what a Mormon girl stands for. When I look back to my high school years I don't look back with fondness. I was surrounded by some amazing friends and I took them for granted. If I could go back I'd love to.

But now today I'm happy to say that I have found my testimony and am starting to understand who I am. I know what my values are and have become more assertive in keeping those values. I refuse to be pushed to the side. I've accepted the fact that I am a "nerd". I'm still boy crazy but only for one :). Everyday I strive to not be selfish and to redeem myself somehow of all the missed opportunities I had to be a good friend and a good example and never took (I did have my good moments like any teenager). I still have personal struggles and struggles between Jacob and I but who doesn't? I'm hoping that when I'm through all of my challenges and trials that I will be able to look back and be proud of the way I handled them. I now have the knowledge that I have a loving Savior who is willing to do anything for me. I just need to have faith, ask Him and then work my hardest to achieve my goal and I will make it.

I look back at my time spent in Colorado and my heart is filled with gratitude. I was dropped off there not knowing anyone and 7 months pregnant with Emma (we thought she would be Tristan but that's another story). I'd only lived in one city for my childhood and had always had family right down the road. I was scared and had never felt so alone. Jacob was gone more often than he was home so it was up to me to either sink or swim. I learned so much while I was there and am so grateful for all the friends I made there. I met some truly amazing people who became my family and helped me grow up. My bishop gave me a blessing before I moved here and in it I was told that I had been put through a refiners fire and that Heavenly Father was pleased with me. I had passed that test and was moving on to a new one.

Anyway, sorry about the wordy post, but I have had TONS on my mind lately. Even more things than I feel comfortable blurting out for the whole world to read. I am grateful for all of my angel friends who help make my life easier. I am truly blessed with the most amazing friends. I love you all!