I can't believe I am about to divulge this to who knows how many people, but here goes. For the last 6 years I have had a huge struggle with my weight. Growing up I was always active. I played basketball, volleyball, softball, and swam. I also would ride my bike and go running. I was in great shape and looked fantastic. As as result of me being so active I never learned good eating habits. I could eat whatever I wanted and it didn't matter because I would burn off all the calories and then some. I graduated from high school weighing in at 130 pounds.
I went away to college and that's when the problem started becoming more clear to me. I gained 30 pounds while I was away so I was now 160. I was frustrated and so mad at myself for gaining that weight, but yet I still continued to eat those things I had always eaten. After I got married I gained another 27 pounds and then got pregnant with Emma. While I was pregnant I quit eating sweets, meat and any other fatty or unhealthy food. I dropped weight like crazy! I looked fantastic after having Emma. Then I decided to try a dessert a couple weeks after I had her. I was at 150 pounds after having Emma and I jumped up to 191. I couldn't stop after having one dessert. It was horrible.
I decided when Emma was 10 months old to join Weight Watchers. I did so good! I lost 20 pounds and then Jacob got a job in Washington and we moved back. It was a very stressful time and we were having some marriage problems and I turned to food to make me feel better. I gained 15 pounds and then got pregnant with Linnea. I didn't eat well with Linnea and gained 25 pounds with her. (I only gained 12 with Emma). I lost all the baby weight with Linnea but still have 13 pounds to go until I get back to 171.
So if you are following that puts me at 184 pounds. I'm so angry at myself for weighing that much. I hate that I let myself get this big. It's gross. But my goal is to lose 45 pounds over the next year, or however long it takes. I plan on joining Weight Watchers here next month again when we have a little more money and I'm going to do it.
What brought on this confession? Well today I went to the doctor for my follow up appointment for my gall bladder surgery. I went down stairs to find the lab and asked a hospital worker where the lab was. She told me where it was and said "oh and you are pregnant" so... I stopped her and told her that I wasn't pregnant and just kind of turned and walked away. I knew I looked pregnant, but I never thought someone would actually mention it.
Ever since I had the C-Section with Emma the weight I have gained collects in my stomach. And because they cut through the muscle the fat sits up higher on my belly. I really do look pregnant and it sucks. But that will soon change! I will change and become a better person. Wish me luck!
10 comments:
I am so with you there. I have never really been happy about my size that I can remember, except for right before I started dating Aaron and before I got pregnant with Jared. I was a size 4 and was pretty comfortable about it. Ever since having Jared and having so many health problems with the pregnancy and afterwards and then with Allys too, I haven't lost the weight. I've been told numerous times that Breastfeeding helps, but wasn't allowed/couldn't with either pregnancy so that was a bust.
So here I sit with an extra 50 pounds around my body in numerous areas and I HATE IT! I hate the way I look, feel, the way others see me, the way I feel about myself.
We don't have the money for me to join a gym or weight loss company, so I'm just trying on my own.
You guys need to move over here again so we can do something together. :)
Sorry this is so long, but I totally understand.
I completely understand! I have stuggled my WHOLE life. But much like you I didn't worry about it too much in high school because I was so active in sports. Its so hard to get back on the horse but its worth it! Before I got pregnant I got a gym membership. It's expensive but the money I was spending gave me the insentive to keep going when I didn't want to. I also got a couple of eating light cook books that had real recipes that Nick and I would both eat and that were good for us. I also used some of the weight watchers tips to help keep my food choices balanced. It was hard but I lost 40 pounds in 5 months. I know you can do it! DON'T GIVE UP!!! Ask a couple of Momma's in your ward/neighborhood to start a walking group. That might be a good way to just started. Not to mention some good adult conversation. As soon as this baby is born, I'll be right back with ya sister! Good Luck!
aw im sorry. People are idiots. You are beautiful no matter what! I hate stupid people
I'm sorry she said that! Lame! Best wishes on obtaining your goal though. Like you said, you were able to do it before, so you'll be able to do it again! Keep us posted, we're rooting for you!!
Jen I'm so sorry you have to struggle with this... it's no fun anyway you look at it. It's not an easy thing to lose weight- as you and I and so many others know all too well, but you will do it. :)
I am so in awe of you. I have my own faults and there is no way I could humble myself to talk about it, even on my blog. You have so much courage and humility. I'm sorry that someone said something that is so hurtful. There is no other way to take a comment like that. It hurts no matter who you are. I would love to start walking again with you. Let's chat about it. Maybe we could also do some type of workout beforehand. Please know that I am here for you and want to help you, encourage you and be a true friend.
Sometimes I get busy being in my own world and forget to look outside of myself. I think I have failed you as a friend the last few months. What can I do to help. I need to also get back into shape. I can barely walk to our neighborhood park without being winded so we need to start walking again.
I know how you feel. I swear my weight is always up and down. I have always been pretty self-conscious about it but I am learning that I am ok with whatever I weigh as long as I am working out and trying to stay fit.
Anyway, keep me updated on how it goes! How did you like weight watchers?
You've got this Jen!! you can do it. If you would like any pointers on healthy eating let me know, I have a wealth of Knowledge.
Thanks so much for your post; I totally get you Jen! When I was in high school I didn't pay attention to my weight because I was pretty thin too, but by the time I graduated I had gone from 125-145 lbs. Then I gained a ton of weight after I moved out--all the way up to almost 190 (mostly from being depressed and eating junk food). Then I got really motivated to lose it and turn my life around, and dropped back down to 150 within about six months by walking, working out, and eating right. BUT, it just keeps coming back doesn't it? :) I gained 10 lbs in the next year, and then 10-15 more after I got married. AND THEN I GOT PREGNANT. Ugh. That was 35-40 more lbs. I weighed in at a scary 214 lbs when I had Alyssa. Unfortunately, it doesn't come right off. I've lost about 30 lbs in the last 8 months, but with almost that much left to go, it can be so frustrating!!
Anyway, maybe we're not there yet, but you know what? We wouldn't be anywhere near this close if we gave up! I really believe that if you continue to work at it, it WILL make a difference. Find what motivates you, focus on that, and then let me know what I can do to help! Love you, good luck!
You can do it, Jen! Think about the things that you like about yourself. You need to like who you are and then work on the things that need working on. You are a super friend and a lot fun to be around! I agree that getting together with friends to walk makes it much more enjoyable! I haven't been able to get into an exercise routine since school started and I am not walking with Lori anymore.
Take care and remember that lots of people love you just the way you are and they will love you when you lose weight. It doesn't matter to them!
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